There are a lot of variations on this exercise. One of the easiest is to have your group form a circle, and then, in turn, have everyone tell the person to their right something that they like or appreciate about them. After everyone has done this, reverse direction and have everyone tell the person on their left something they appreciate about them. Do this one appreciation at a time so that everyone in the group can hear what everyone else says.
A variation is to have one person sit in the center and to receive appreciations from everyone else in the group. This can be a very powerful experience for shy individuals and other persons with self-image problems. After doing this version of the exercise, it can be useful to briefly hear the reactions of the person in the center to being appreciated and to being the center of attention, and perhaps, to question him or her about those reactions.
A third variation is to use this as a closing exercise. Here, you form a tight circle facing inward, and have everyone tell the person directly opposite him or her one thing they appreciate about them. Or ask people to give an appreciation to anyone else in the group that they feel like giving it to.
(A simple, enjoyable exercise well suited to newly forming groups and that works best with groups of 5 to 7. Allow 10 to 15 minutes per person. A timekeeper is necessary for this exercise.)
Explain the exercise as follows: "We'll split into small groups in a few minutes. When we do, one person in each group will be the focus of attention for 15 minutes. The other people should ask that person anything they genuinely want to know about him or her. Don't be afraid to ask hard or embarrassing questions. Just keep the focus on the person being questioned. After their 15 minutes are up, someone else will be the focus of attention. Keep going until everyone has gotten their 15 minutes."
Then, depending on how many people there are, have everyone count off into groups of four, five, six, or seven, and tell the individual small groups where to meet. Toward the end of the exercise, check on the individual groups, and as soon as they're all done, have them reconvene as a whole, and have a brief discussion of the exercise.
(Works best in groups of 2 to 4. Allow half an hour to an hour per person per set of questions.)
Have your group count off into twos, threes, or fours, and give each small group a photocopy of one of the following sets of questions. Each person in the group will answer all of the questions. They can either take one question at a time and answer it in turn, or one person can answer all of the questions, then the next person can, etc.--it really doesn't matter; the important thing is that everyone answers all of the questions. This is a good exercise for fairly new groups, and it can take several meetings to get through all of these questions.
Questions concerning the mind
Questions concerning the physical
Questions concerning the spirit
Questions concerning the emotions
Questions concerning sexuality and love
Hard Questions Ping-Pong
(Works in groups of 4 to 15, and works best in already well established groups. Especially good for helping to break through the "niceness" barrier. Allow .5 to 1.5 hours for this exercise, depending on the size of the group; time it, and end it on time.)
Explain the game as follows: "Tonight, we're going to ask each other a lot of difficult questions. The purpose of this is to help us get to know each other better, and to become more direct in our dealings with each other. The way this works is that one person starts by asking someone else something they'd normally be too embarrassed or too afraid to ask, or that they think would embarrass the person being asked. The person being asked doesn't have to answer the question unless they want to, but they do have to ask someone
else a hard question. Then that person has to ask someone else a hard
question. The only limit to what you can ask is that your questions be about things that you genuinely want to know. If you feel uncomfortable when you think of a question for someone, it's probably a good sign that you should ask it. Does everybody understand? Good. This exercise will take an hour. I'll start now." Then ask a pointed question to someone you think will handle it well, and you're off and running.
Take a few minutes after you've finished for the group to discuss the
exercise and what came up for individuals during it. It's also often a good idea to precede or follow this exercise with a round of appreciations.
Who Are You?
(Works with almost any number of people, but the number should be even; so, participate yourself or sit it out in order to make the number even. Time for this exercise can be as short as 20 minutes or as long as several hours, though for city groups 20 to 40 minutes is about average. This is an excellent exercise to use in new groups and when newcomers are present.)
Have people line up in two rows sitting cross-legged with knees touching the knees of the person directly across from them. Instruct them: "Please remain seated with knees touching, looking directly into each other's eyes. One row of you will ask the other row a question and then just sit there, looking at them. You should show no physical reaction and say nothing. The people answering the question should talk nonstop for five minutes. I'll let you know when five minutes are up. The important thing is to keep talking. Don't stop. You don't even need to be honest or to make sense. Just keep talking.
If you find that you're stuck and can't think of a thing to say, talk about being stuck and not being able to think of a thing to say. If you keep talking, eventually something else will come to you. Ready? The row with their back to me (the window, the wall, etc.) will ask the row facing me, 'Who are you?'" (or any of the other questions listed below, or in the "Questions from Zegg workshop" exercise, or any that you make up yourself). Then, if you're not participating, walk around observing the people doing the exercise and reminding individuals, if needed, to keep on talking and/or not to respond in any way.
Time this exercise down to the second, and at the end of five minutes say "Stop!" fairly loudly. Ask the row that was listening to say, "thank you," and have the row that was talking ask the previously listening row the exact same question they were asked. Again, after five minutes, tell them "Stop!" and have the listeners thank the talkers. Then, before the next question, have one row remain stationary and the other row move one to the right (or
left--the important thing is that participants do this exercise with
different partners for each question). The person on the end of the moving row will need to go to the other end of the row.
In new groups and groups with new members, it's generally a good idea to set aside a few minutes for participants to talk about their reactions to this game. It's also worth noting that this game can be done over and over; the list of useful questions is virtually endless.
Here are a few useful questions to use during this game:
* Who are you?
* What do you want?
* What are you doing to get what you want?
* How do you stop yourself from getting what you want?
* Who am I?
* Why shouldn't you change?
* What do you fear?
* Who do you fear?
* What are you afraid to do?
* What is your highest vision of yourself?
* Where do you see yourself 10 years from now?
* What do you like about yourself?
* What do you do that harms yourself?
* What do you find hard to do, and why?
* What would you like to change in your behavior?
* What disgusts you? Why?
* What do you need to be happy?
* What do you want in a relationship?
* Tell me some big, fat lies.
* Sing me a song.
* Talk in someone else's voice.
* What do you want in a community, and why?
* What is your purpose in wanting to join or start a community?
* Would you want your community to have a higher vision or purpose? And if so, what would that higher vision or purpose would that be?
* What does love mean to you? And how do you express it in your life?
* Who do you love, and why?
Vision Sharing
(Works well with groups of 4 to 6. If more are present, break into groups of 4 to 6. When determining the length of the exercise, allow a minimum of 5 and a maximum of 10 minutes per person. This is another exercise that works well with new groups.)
Explain this exercise to your group as follows: "We're going to break into small groups to let each other know what our highest visions are of ourselves and the communities we want to live in. The way it works is that one person will start talking and will continue until someone else raises their hand and starts to talk, at which point the person who was talking stops. Raise your hand if you're getting bored or have something that you want to say; but don't raise your hand if you just want to rescue someone. Also, there's no crosstalk in this exercise. Don't ask each other questions or make comments while someone else is talking, and don't reply to what others say; just talk about your own vision. Any questions? OK, let's count
off into groups of five (or four, or six) and get started."
It's generally a good idea to set aside a few minutes after this exercise to talk about how participants liked the exercise and if anything came up in their groups that they want to talk about.
I Love Everybody Who . . .
(This game can be a lot of fun. It works well with groups of 8 to 15 people. Allow at least 45 minutes or an hour for this game. It should be played outdoors or in a large, uncluttered room.)
Count the number of people playing this game and set out, in a wide circle, that number of sturdy, armless chairs, or flat things to stand on--pieces of cardboard, frisbees, saltillo tiles, place mats, etc.--minus one. Have everyone else stand on one of the flat pieces, and explain the game as follows: "The purpose of this game is to get better acquainted, to let us know more about each other. The way it works is that the person standing in the center of the circle will reveal something about himself or herself by saying, "I love everyone in this group who . . ." And the statement that they make must apply to themselves. So, if you're in the center and say, "I love everybody in this group who has athlete's foot," you yourself must have athlete's foot. Everyone who the statement applies to, including the
speaker, must attempt to move to a vacant spot or chair--but not back to their own spot or the one next to it, unless only the person on that spot also moves. Whoever is left without a spot goes to the center and makes the next statement. Any questions? OK, let's start." Then move to the center of the circle and reveal something embarrassing about yourself, such as, "I love everybody in this group who has ever contracted a sexually transmitted disease."
Lady Luck
(Works well with new groups and with any number of participants. The only limitation is that the number of participants be even, so sit out or participate yourself in order to make the number even. The purpose of this exercise to is help people get better acquainted)
Have everyone write down their own names on pieces of paper and put them into a bowl or a hat. Mix them well, and then draw out two at a time. The two people whose names are drawn will now spend half an hour or an hour (specify which--it'll be the same for everyone) doing whatever they agree to do.
Invitation Dating
(Works well with groups of 10 or more, with, preferably close to a balance in the numbers of men and women. This exercise is actually more suited to retreats, workshops, and previously agreed-to, longer-than-normal, city group meetings than it is to normal-length city group meetings.)
Have the men and women meet separately, and have the individual women write out invitations to individual men to do anything that the women desire for one hour. The women will then read their invitations out loud in their group and let each other know to which men they're directed. (The invitations could range from asking to get together for a walk to an invitation to have sex.)
A go-between will then deliver the invitations to the men, who will then read their invitations out loud and who will have the option of accepting, declining, or suggesting an alternative. The men will then write out their replies and propose times for their "dates" with the various women, and the go-between will deliver their responses to the women, who will schedule and write down the actual times (it helps to do this on a chalk board or large sketch pad) and will accept or reject in writing any alternatives that the men proposed. The go-between will then deliver the written times to the men, plus any acceptances or rejections of proposed alternatives. The "dates"
begin 15 minutes after the replies are sent.
After this exercise is over, it's very useful for the men and women to meet again separately to discuss their reactions to it. This is especially useful given that this exercise involves role reversal, with the women doing the asking and facing possible rejection, and the men having to passively wait instead of initiating contact. Thus both men and women get a taste of the undesirable aspects of the opposite sex's "normal" role in dating.
Of course, it's possible to do this exercise with the men doing the asking and the women doing the accepting or rejecting. The value in the men doing the asking is that this can lead to cooperation rather than competition in regard to women. When the wishes are read aloud by the men, if it becomes apparent (as it probably will) that only a few women are receiving most of the requests, the men will normally talk this over, reevaluate what they want to ask and to whom, and cooperatively rewrite and redirect their invitations.
Three Wishes (adapted from Awareness, by John O. Stevens)
(Works with any size group, though it works best in groups of 5 to 15; if your group is much larger than 15, have people count off and break up into smaller groups. Allow two to three hours for this exercise. It's good for getting people to ask for what they want, and for making transparent the process of deciding whether or not to accede to the wishes of others.)
Start by having your group sit in a circle, hand out writing paper and
pencils, and say, "We're all going to make three wishes tonight. We're all going to ask the group, or other people in the group, for three things that we want and that the group or the other people can give us or do for us here tonight during meeting time. Those asked can grant the wish or refuse it. Let's all think for a few minutes about what we want to ask for."
Then, ask the person to your right to recite their three wishes. Those asked to do, or for, something will write it down, but not respond immediately. Continue this process until everyone has stated her or his wishes. Then, ask for a vote on any wishes addressed to the entire group. Don't discuss them, as it would take too much time. For the group as a whole to grant a wish, everyone must agree to it. If there is no unanimous agreement, simply go on. Then go around in a circle again, asking each individual if he or she will grant the wishes addressed to them personally, and if so, why, and if not,
why not. Finally, spend the rest of the meeting time fulfilling granted wishes, fulfilling any granted group wishes first. If time runs out before all granted wishes have been fulfilled, continue at the next scheduled meeting.
A slightly higher-stakes version of this exercise is to have the asking and granting/denying take place during a meeting, but to have the fulfilling take place away from the meeting and at times agreeable to the askers and granters. This allows more elaborate and more personal wishes to be expressed and granted than is possible during a meeting.
Potluck Wishes
(Works with any number. A fun, light exercise.)
Have everyone in the group write down a wish on a piece of paper. The wish can be about anything--within limits set by the group, or without limits; it can involve other individuals by name, other unnamed individuals, or be purely abstract. Then, fold the paper in half and place it in a box with the wishes of the other individuals in the group. When all of the papers are in the box, pull out and read aloud the wishes one by one. After each wish is read, ask if anyone wants to acknowledge it as their own by raising their hand, or if they share the wish and wish to acknowledge that by raising their hand(s). If the wish is directed to an individual in the group, s/he
can either grant it or refuse to grant it to any or all of those asking it. If someone owns a wish not directed to an individual, ask if anyone in the group would like to fulfill it.
Fishbowl
(Works best with at least 4 women and 4 men--more are better. Allow 3 hours for this exercise. Of course, mention at the start that everything revealed is confidential.)
This is basically a normal men's group and women's group discussion meeting, but with a difference: The men (or women) sit in a close circle, with the members of the opposite sex sitting silently in a larger circle two or three feet behind them. Those in the inner circle then discuss for an hour specific gender-related questions, such as, "What makes a good lover?", "What do you like about the opposite sex?", and "What do you dislike about the opposite sex?" Those in the outer circle merely sit and listen. After an hour, the seating positions and roles are reversed. Finally, the men and women can meet together to discuss what they heard, or they can meet separately to discuss what they learned about each other.
Secrets (adapted from Awareness, by John O. Stevens)
(Works with groups of up to 20 people; with groups larger than 15, it's necessary to reduce the number of questions from 3 to 2. This exercise is very intense and is best done with groups that have been meeting for at least a couple of months and in which some trust is already established. For a group of 15 using 3 questions, this exercise should take about 2.5 hours.)
First announce that, "This exercise will deal with our deepest, most painful secrets, and these secrets will go no farther than this room. If you do not want to participate in this exercise or do not agree to keep everything revealed here confidential, please go to the next room where a discussion group will be held by those who do not wish to participate. Does everyone agree not to reveal to others what they hear here today?" (Two suggestions: The secrets exercise should also be announced at the weekly meeting prior to the meeting at which it's held; and a good topic for those who opt out--if anyone does--is why they opted out.)
Next, have the group sit in a circle. Then give everyone three identical pieces of blank paper (at least half the size of a normal 8.5"x11" sheet) and identical writing implements. Tell them, "Please write down your three deepest, darkest secrets, one secret per sheet of paper, and write on only one side of the paper. These secrets should be the ones that you're most ashamed of, the ones that you would feel the most embarrassed about revealing to the group. When you've written down your secrets, please fold your papers in half and put them on the pile in the center of the circle." After a pause, say, "At the end of this exercise, if everyone agrees, we'll reveal what our secrets are. If anyone doesn't want to, no one will reveal their secrets." Allow 10 to 15 minutes for people to write down their secrets.
Then, thoroughly shuffle the papers. After they're shuffled, have everyone in the group take three papers at random from the pile. Next, tell them, "We'll go around in a circle reading these secrets out loud, one at a time. After you read a secret, react to that secret as if it were your own. Say how having that secret makes you feel." Then add, "After each secret is read, we'll let two people briefly tell us their reactions to it."
(If the group is small, three reactions would be OK the purpose of
restricting the number of spoken reactions is to conserve time. Also, the spoken reactions should be brief--no more than 30 seconds each--and it's good to get reactions from different people rather than the same people after every revealed secret; if one or a few people attempt to always state their reactions, make a point of not choosing them and instead ask silent members for their reactions.)
Start by reading one of the secrets you hold in your hand and saying how having that secret makes you feel. Then ask, "Does anybody want to share how they felt hearing this secret?" If more than two people want to share, choose which two will do it, and listen to their reactions. Then ask the person on your left or right to read next, and continue going around in a circle until all of the secrets have been read and the reactions to them have been spoken. Next, go around in a circle one more time taking up to one minute each (if the group is large) or two minutes each (if the group is small) and have everyone say how they felt hearing their own secrets read (but not revealing their secrets), and how they felt about hearing other peoples' secrets.
After this round is completed, ask, "Is it OK with everyone if we reveal our secrets now?" If anyone objects, ask why, and ask if there's anything the group can do to help them feel safe enough to reveal their secrets. If anyone seems sure that they don't want to reveal, ask them again why, and if there's anything anyone can do to help them feel safe enough to do it. If they persist in saying "no," respect it and end the exercise. If they seem ambivalent, work with them until they resolve the matter. If they're still ambivalent after 10 or 15 minutes of discussion, demand that they make a decision. If they refuse to decide, take it as a "no."
If people are OK about revealing their secrets, go first yourself, and then continue around in a circle, taking up to two minutes (if the group is large) to five minutes (if the group is small) per person to reveal your secrets and state your feelings. Within the per-person time limit, questions and comments are OK after a person has finished revealing their secrets and stating their feelings.
Finally, have everyone walk outside and form a circle, place the papers in the center of the circle, and burn them. Close with a group hug and by thanking everyone, during the hug, for having the courage to participate in this exercise. (If it's raining, tearing the papers up into tiny bits indoors will serve the same purpose as burning them.)
Conflict Resolution
(Works well with the conflicting parties and up to 4
facilitators/questioners. It's not good to have more than 4
facilitators/questioners, as if you have more things will tend to get
chaotic. The time necessary for successful conflict resolution will vary tremendously. Strictly speaking, this isn't an exercise; but it can be a very intense verbal process, so it's included in this section.)
There are many different styles of conflict resolution. The following style attempts not only to deal with the immediate conflict, but to also get at the underlying issues.
Start by having the conflicting parties sit in chairs next to each other, at perhaps a 90 degree angle, but not facing each other (too confrontational). Next, ask them, one at a time, to state the problem using "I" language, and to avoid "you made me feel" and "it made me feel" statements, and not to interrupt each other. (The point is to get them to accept responsibility for their own emotions and to defuse hostility.) After each is finished speaking, ask the other to repeat what was said. Sometimes they'll repeat each other's statements accurately; sometimes they won't. When this happens, point out the inaccuracies and ask the misquoted person to repeat whatever
was inaccurately stated. Then ask the other person to repeat it again. Do this until the statements are in agreement.
Next, start to question both parties about their feelings about the dispute and about the other person. Useful questions can include, "How do you feel toward [the other person]?" "Does your reaction remind you of reactions you've had to others, especially to your parents?" "Is [the other person] doing/saying things I don't give myself permission to do or say and that I judge as wrong?" and "What am I afraid of losing or what am I afraid I won't get because of [the other person's] behavior?"
The point of all of this is to try to get to and deal with the underlying emotions rather than the surface conflict. Probably the most important thing for facilitators to remember in this process is to ask, not tell. If you think you've figured out what's going on and can lead a person to draw the appropriate conclusions themself through questioning, they are much more likely to accept those conclusions than if you had simply told them, "Here's what's going on, and here's what you're doing."
The reason for this emphasis on dealing with the underlying emotions is that once they're dealt with, the surface conflict is generally easy to resolve. After the emotions are dealt with, it's appropriate to go on to simple conflict solving, to attempt to help both parties work out a win-win solution. And at this point, but not before, suggested solutions to the surface conflict are in order (though it's still better to pose them as questions).
This process won't always get at the underlying emotions, and when that happens it's wise to give up attempting to do so after a time, and to go on to simple problem solving. That is, simply ask both parties (repeatedly if necessary) what they want, and then, after that's clear, attempt to help them find a compromise they can live with.
(The suggested questions in the third paragraph were supplied by Valerie Stuart.)
Additional Exercises
The above-listed exercises barely scratch the surface of useful group activities. A particularly rich source of such activities is the previously mentioned Awareness: exploring, experimenting, experiencing, by John O. Stevens. The following exercises given by Stevens are the ones we consider especially useful, though some will need adaptation for city group use: Role identification reversal (pp. 55-57); Family quarrel (pp. 96-99); Resentments-appreciations-differences (pp. 121-123); Sentence completions (p. 181); Assumptions (p. 191); Indirect no (p. 192); Expectations (pp.
193-194); Life-script (p. 194); Relationship-script (pp. 194-195)
Needs-wants-lacks (pp. 197-198); Exaggeration or reversal (pp. 218-219); Role and reversal (pp. 219-220); End of the world (pp. 228-229); Spaciogram (pp. 229-230); and Connection (p. 231).
Adapted from James Everett Ward's Website
Last modified: June 12, 2004
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